Un-Love Letter

Dear Sarah,

I have been your friend for three years strong. The very first time I saw you, I was shocked because Mark had never told me that he was dating anyone. I was mad at my friend for keeping such a secret, and also mad because I thought that he was interested in me. Despite my lesbianism, I too wanted to feel wanted by a man that I felt was “safe”.

I refused to look at or talk to you the whole night. I remember a man in a leather jacket talked to you all night. He told you to get Mark to get a Joker tattoo on his arm. I asked you to please never do that. That was all I said to you. It didn’t help that I was in a bipolar episode and everything felt hazy from the second I walked in. I felt alien and I felt like the party was not meant for me. M had his ways of making people feel like they were both his best friend and just some random person he knew. He knew how to make you feel like you were completely alone.

The second time I met you, I was manic. I had just gotten my school refund money and I was ready to spend it. I took my roommates to Mark’s comedy night and saw you. I knew I would see you there, it was in the back of my mind. I didn’t know how I was going to react to you, because at first, I hated you. As the night drug on, I became more and more bored with my friends and more interested in what you were doing leaned up against the wall talking to no one. I wondered why Mark had such a pretty girlfriend that he was ignoring.

I had had plenty of drinks by now and decided I should talk to you. First, I started by standing closer, looking in your direction every once in awhile, until I finally built up the courage to say hello. You had a cold demeanor, but as soon as we exchanged our Hello’s, you were smiling from ear to ear. It felt like everything we were saying to each other was the right thing. I had never had such an instant connection with someone like this in my life. Something that I will always remember is that when we were sitting down, we stared into each other’s eyes for a very long time. I tried for as long as I could, but you were stronger, leading me to break eye contact first. I watched you sneakily bite your fingernail. My roommates told me that they wanted to leave, but I wanted to stay and talk to you. You offered me a ride home. Mark asked me to “Please not fuck his girlfriend.” When I got in your car, we talked more, but it was a short drive. I offered my phone number in case you wanted to be friends. I was dying to talk to you again. You excitedly accepted and gave me a hug. I hadn’t been touched since my last relationship.

We soon started hanging out once or twice a week and texting every day. I did not know your lifestyle, so I was often anxious about whether or not I was being too much. When I would come to your house, you always wanted to pick me up in a hug. In return, I would wrap my legs around you. You were the first person to allow me to feel feminine with another woman. You liked to hold my hand in the car. It gave me butterflies in my stomach. Every time I would go to meet you, I would not be able to talk for the first half hour because I was so nervous to be around you. My throat choked up with every word.

Eventually, I wrote you a letter. I was very nervous to write it. Years later, I have no idea what it says or what any of the other numerous letters I have written you say. What I do know, is that you held my hands and asked if I thought I could trust you. I said yes. I handed you the letter. You always told me that you had never read any of the letters I had written you. I’m not sure if you ever took the time to these years later, or even want to. I just wanted you to understand me at my very core and I also wanted to express to you how much I thought of you.

One night, after drinking, we decided to cuddle. I think we decided to cuddle together two or three different times. I was so nervous. I would sweat when you touched me and take the blanket off, and then when I would take the blanket off you would put it back on me. I can still remember you tracing your fingers on my arm and pulling at me while I pulled at you back. I remember being so confused on whether or not I should make a move. I wanted to so badly, but I wanted you to make the decision because you were in a relationship. You held my head in a spiderman-kiss position-and did not kiss me.

A beautiful memory I have of us is when we decided to buy disposable cameras. We took the cameras all over town and took pictures. We took pictures in Ben’s and I remember having the most genuine fun of my life just taking pictures with puppets with you. I’ve never printed the pictures out. In a way, it keeps that memory there forever. Just for me and myself to remember. I remember feeling true happiness for one of the first times. I remember true happiness with you.

Another memory, my most prominent one, is when we went to King’s Island together. I remember not having very much money, but I wanted to make the trip work so badly. I wanted to take a picture in a photo booth with you, and you didn’t seem pleased. I wanted to preserve the memory for forever, you didn’t seem to feel the same. Maybe you were just hot. It was very hard for me to ride the rides because I get nauseous very easily, but this was my idea, so I got on the rides, drinking sprite afterwards in efforts to save myself from projectile vomiting. My favorite part of the day was when we went to the lazy river. I remember feeling in that moment, that I had fallen for you, and I would never be able to take it back. I made you go under a big fountain of water. I thought you looked beautiful. When we got in the car after our long day, the force of the car was enough to finally force me to vomit. I opened your car door and aimed the best I could. You pulled over and helped me clean it up. It was embarrassing, but you made me feel like it was the most normal thing in the world.

I was friends with Mark because I started going to the comedy nights. I thought he was charismatic and funny and genuine. I soon found out that he leaves people, specifically women, out to dry. He seemed invested in my relationship and getting it to end its course. He was someone who helped me end it. As soon as my relationship ended, he told me to switch to men on tinder. I did. We matched and I asked him how big his dick was. He responded, “Average-ish.” We would go on “dates”. Often to Simpson Gardens Park, which is why I hate when you suggest it. You never realized that he takes every single date there. I learned with him that nothing is sacred and anything can be repeated with a new girl. His rules. I’m sure he raved about how amazing Hasta’s are to you, too. On one of our “dates”, he decided to invite me to see his apartment. We did not talk too much before he said, ” Want to try out my $14,000 bed?” I said Sure. We laid there, talked. I stared at the ceiling. I knew this date to him was for him to determine if he actually had a chance. At the end of the date, after I had not touched him, he stuck his hand out to compare hand sizes. I immediately noticed that his hands were the exact same size as mine. I also realized that I felt nothing romantic for him, just unique interest. I told him, “Sorry, you tried, but still gay.” One time at comedy night, when I was still friends with him, I mentioned to a girl he told me he was not talking to anymore that he had tinder gold. I almost immediately found out that they were still talking because he later in the night put his hand on my shoulder and said, “You almost got me in trouble.” I was shocked. I really didn’t know what to say. He had been telling me he was in love with this girl and that he wished he had never broken up with her, was still actively talking to her, yet still had tinder gold. His internet presence started to make my stomach turn as well. Seeing posts like, “I like when my girlfriend has sex with me, but not when she says That’ll do, pig.” For you to be so private about sexual things, I felt like he was putting your entire business out there and embarrassing you to get a couple likes on Facebook. I never felt like he respected you or thought of you equally. To me, it seemed like he used you to show off that he had a pretty girlfriend whenever the timing lined up, and any other time you were left to fend for yourself. The last time I actually talked to him, I think was at one of the last comedy shows I ever went to. He ended his set with a “Faggot” joke in a crowd of 10 people including me. He is not a gay man and lives a straight life. There’s no reason for him to make that a skit, and it felt pointed. I was done.

The year of my first birthday party with you, I was talking to someone else. I felt that it was time to try to be with someone else because I felt that you did not actually want me. My other friends brought her up and it seemed like you were getting jealous. Later that night, we went up my stairs to my bedroom. I don’t really remember what was said or how it happened but I think a hug turned into a kiss. Soon, you were on top of me. I felt like I was living every dream I had ever wished. I wanted to be dirtier, sluttier, more fun. All I could do was take in the moment and kiss as passionately as I could. It lasted for a long time, but I wish it had lasted all night. We went back downstairs and you sat in a chair with me. I had my arm around you but I wasn’t touching you. You put my hand on your waist. I liked it. You soon after told me that you needed to go home. I said okay. When I woke up in the morning, you simply asked if I needed any help with cleanup. I had been having a panic attack all morning about what had happened last night. You were acting as if nothing happened. When you got to my house, you were pretty quiet. We sat down. I asked you if there was anything you wanted to talk about and you asked me what I meant. I said, “Our kiss?” You said, “Oh, I’m sorry.” My heart sunk. “But, I love you.” I say in my head. I did not speak well but I explained to you that I was in love with you. You wanted to fix it. I think sometimes you still do not understand that you cannot make someone unlove you unless you repeatedly break them down. All in all, you explained that it was a mistake and that you wanted to stay with Mark. When you left I put my hands in my face, cried a few tears, and screamed Fuck.

I told you I needed space. We waited awhile. I think you messaged first. You always messaged first when we cut contact. I can never understand why because you know that I am in love with you and you cannot offer the same, so why can’t you let me heal? The fact is, you do. not. want. me. You have made it clear so many times in so many ways. I have also made it clear in so many ways that I cannot see this relationship as anything but romantic.

As the years have gone on, it feels like we have less to talk about. Your life has gotten more private. You rarely bring up Mark. You rarely bring up anything going on in your actual life. I feel like you keep me secret from your real, stable, heteronormative life. I feel like I am on the sidelines waiting for you whenever you need water, like a water boy, only there to nurse the thirsty football player.

You told me I was enticing, but in the same breath, refuse to love me. Too enticing to love? Enticing, but too much emotionally? I always feel like I am too much and you are just waiting for a break from me. I no longer feel like I am a friend to talk to, but yet another burden on your already long list of complications. I cannot keep making myself feel like I am not worth anything. Not worth love. Not worth the time of day. Not worth romantic affection. All in all, this relationship has stripped me to my bare bones. I am vulnerable and naked and insecure. It is hard for me to imagine a world where someone chooses me. It is my own fault for falling for someone who was already with someone else.

I thought for the longest time that if I worked hard enough on myself, you would see that I am not this mentally-ill loser who will go nowhere. I forced myself to finish college (thanks to your help), I pulled myself out of disability, I have worked full-time for over a year now. I am always trying to stay on top of medications and doctor’s visits so I stay healthy and don’t hurt people around me. I’ve worked on how I talk to people, what I need to do to cool down, how to regulate myself. I take full responsibility and take care of my sister now. I’ve worked on communication, rather than just shutting people out. I still need my few hours, but I can come at things rationally if you give me time. I thought if I could make myself the perfect person, you would see me for who I truly am, someone who wants to try as hard as possible to be the best person for you. Someone who wants to listen about your job and see the projects you do. Someone who cares about your interests and what you have to say. Someone who can be there for you while your parents are sick.

I truly feel like we were meant to meet each other, be in each other’s lives, but perhaps for just a short moment. I can’t see myself being anything other than the love of your life, so I feel like I must leave to save myself from further pain and heartbreak.

Some things I will never forget:

1. You cannot make someone love you no matter what you do or how hard you try if they do not have those same feelings back. Some things are not meant to be and it is better to cut them off when you first realize than to wait multiple years seeing if there will ever be a change.

2. Having someone to inspire you to be greater and better than you are now is an amazing thing.

3. Love is everywhere. Love comes in many different forms. Sometimes one person loves the other in a way that the other person does not. Love will find you again, and again, and again if you go look.

4. Every single person is unique and has special characteristics that make them cosmic. Humans are angels. Humans are complex. Finding the complexity of every person I meet has turned into something I really like to do. What I wanted to say in this is that you will never find the same thing in someone else, either for better or for good.

5. There are many people who will come into your life and understand you differently. Your connection changes based on how they understand you and how you understand how they understand you.

6. Just because you want something badly, it does not mean you are destined for it.

7. Obsessive thoughts are sometimes just obsessive thoughts.

I love you so much. I just have to let you go.