Jinx Myself?

I have a habit of jinxing myself. I like to tell people things when I am excited. After I tell them what I am excited about, the plan almost always goes completely awry. I wonder if people are jinxing me or I am jinxing myself. I recently decided I want to keep things to myself, to an extent.

If something might really change my life, telling people about it could change the trajectory of what happens, and it pretty much always does. Why? Do people want less for me? Or am I supposed to keep these things to myself? I want to tell everyone everything. I want them to know me and understand me at my very core, but sometimes this can be very dangerous because people do not always have the intentions you envision them to.

My biggest fear in life I think is dying without love. Dying without someone who romantically knows me and loves me at the center of my being. I feel like I’ve been looking for this for my entire life in the wrong places.

The people I often go for are people who are already spoken for. They make me feel like they want me more, value me more than their own partner, and that I will ultimately be the choice they make. Well, they make the choice to take from me sexually, but once they get what they were looking for they are no longer interested. They go back to being deeply in love. They struggle with their partner and work through the mess they made. They do not work on what they did to me. I am left feeling empty and unlovable. I am left feeling a shell of myself wondering why I can never be enough for someone. But again, I am looking in the wrong places.

Is it an ego thing for me to want to “steal” someone else’s partner? I don’t think so. I do not respect men enough to care about the emotional pain I am giving them by sleeping with their partners. I guess at the very core I want to feel good enough, and by being able to take this partner, I am good enough. It is not about conquering the person, or about making the other partner feel bad. I deeply feel for the people that I romantically chase. I guess you could also say that this stems from bad self-esteem and bad experiences. My first experiences with women were with women who had boyfriends and chose the boyfriends over me.

It has been cycle after cycle of meeting people in relationships who I think are perfect for me, but they truly are not because if they actually loved me then they would have chosen me. I had one incident that I thought would be different. I professed my love in countless ways and was met with disinterest in my writing. I don’t like the cycle. For some reason, I thought this would be my last cycle and this person would choose me. They did not and I am done with the cycles.

I want to feel true love that isn’t tainted.